Little-Known Facts 1: Laughter in Mesopotamia

One of the most popular features in the Sumerian equivalent of “Reader’s Digest” was a merry look at military life entitled “Humour in Cuneiform”. A sample is shown below:

The text reads: "What's an Elamite urn?" - "Thirty karsha silver* a year."

*(Regarded as a good wedge, in those days.)

The magazine throve because it was light reading - the monthly issue could be borne by a single yoke of oxen.

Ultimately it became a victim of its own success when the increased weight of advertising significantly diverted logistical resources during the Elamite siege of Ur, leading to the fall of the city, the abduction of King Ibbi-Sin and, of course, the slaughter or enslavement of its subscribers.

Who’s Queen Of The Castle? Chelsea Clinton Accepts Democratic Party Nomination

Pic source: http://gizmodo.com/chelsea-clinton-offers-her-mother-adorable-internet-adv-1785615174

As multiple controversies continue to swirl around her mother despite the partisanship of most mainstream news media and Google’s search-engine-tweaking, Chelsea Clinton today stepped forward into the limelight and accepted the emergency renomination in her favour by the Democratic Party.

“This not only reaffirms the established hereditary principle in US politics,” commented a senior campaign official, “but it also recasts Donald Trump as the ‘dirty rascal’, if you know the old children’s game. I don’t see how that oaf can recover from this.”

A visibly distressed Trump has been urgently consulting with his lawyers on the application of the Salic Law to the American Presidency.

Osborne threatens Yorkshire with "Mancgatte"

George Osborne today unveiled his proposal to end Yorkshire's troublesome obsession with regional independence, by the construction of a huge road tunnel intended to "rub their noses in diversity."

Ostensibly designed to cut journey times between Yorkshire and the northwestern counties, the true objective of the massive project is to affirm the Chancellor's commitment to "ever-closer union" between the Roses.

The exact route is yet to be finally determined, but one aspect is already decided: "To save time, we shall be building a vast migrant camp at the same time as the Tunnel," said a spokesman for Number 11.

Opposing the plan, the leader of the United Keighley Independence Party commented, "The Chancellor is weaponising Lancastrians in order to wring financial concessions from wealthy Yorkshiremen. This is our last chance to stop the madness." In an apparent attempt to delay planning permission indefinitely, a UKIP party worker was caught this week planting Great Crested Newts in ponds and ditches across the area where digging is due to start.

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#piggate - a taxi driver reminisces:

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HSBC - the shakeup continues...

"Right, that's the building transferred under a PFI arrangement to a trust registered in the Dutch Antilles, the headteacher will in future be paid via a personal services company in Jersey with "salary" deemed as staged loans, and petty cash stored overnight in a Swiss call account..."


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Munchausen (1781) - part 11

Bear and Wolf

I have always had the strangest experiences while hunting. One time in Poland, when I had used up all my shot, a bear came at me with its jaws wide open. I quickly felt around in my pocket and found nothing but a couple of large flints. I hurled one of them with all my strength into the beast’s gaping mouth and it spun round in pain. The unusual shape of the second flint gave me an idea, and I flung it at the other opening that the bear now presented to me. My shot was successful: the tapered stone flew in, penetrated further, and - wonder of wonders! – collided with the first flint in the stomach, sparking off a fire so that the bear burned alive most miserably.

Another time – it’s as though the wildest beasts always knew when I had no firearm - a fearsome wolf leapt at me. When he was right up by me, I automatically shoved my hand into his gaping jaws, pushed it deeper down for safety’s sake, and so there I was with my arm in his body. In this position I was quite secure, but how was I going to get away? I had no desire to stand there like that forever, and if I pulled out my arm the enraged animal would go for me. I acted decisively: I took a firm hold of some part of his innards, pulled the wolf inside out like a glove, and let him drop.

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Original:

Auf der Jagd hab’ ich immer die mehrsten sonderbaren Geschichten gehabt. Einst in Polen kam, wie ich mich schon ganz verschossen hatt, ein Bär mit aufgesperrtem Rachen auf mich zu; ich greife [99] schnell in die Tasche, und finde nichts als ein paar große Feuersteine. Einen davon schleudere ich mit aller Kraft dem Thier in den offenen Schlund hinab; es empfindet Schmerz davon, wendet sich schnell um. Durch die sonderbare Gestalt des andern Feuersteines komm’ ich auf die Idee, diesen in die andre mir itzt zugewandte Oefnung des Bären zu schleudern; es gelingt mir; der keilförmige Stein geht herein und dringt weiter, und o Wunder! trift jenen ersten Stein im Magen, schlägt mit ihm Feuer, und macht den Bären jämmerlich bey lebendigem Leibe verbrennen.

Ein andermal – immer als wenn die wildesten Thiere wüßten, wenn ich kein Schießgewehr hätte – springt ein schrecklicher Wolf auf mich zu. Er ist mir schon ganz nahe, und maschinenmäßig stoß ich meine Hand in seinen aufgesperrten Rachen, drucke nun meiner Sicherheit wegen immer tiefer hinein, und behalte so meinen Arm in seinem Leibe. In dieser Stellung war ich freylich sicher; aber wie nun loszukommen? Immer so zu stehn hatt ich nicht Lust; und zog ich den Arm heraus, so fiel das wütend gemachte Thier mich an. Kurz und gut entschloß ich mich; ich grif inwendig fest an ein Stück des Leibes, zog den Wolf um, wie einen Handschuh, und ließ ihn so liegen.

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Munchausen (1781) - part 10

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One afternoon I was on my Lord ***’s estate, sitting with a company of ladies at the tea-table in the salon. The men were in the yard to watch a new horse being broken in. Suddenly I heard a commotion outside; I ran out and found the horse so out of control that everyone was mortally afraid to go near him, let alone mount him. While everyone else hesitated, I leapt onto the horse’s back with a single bound, and withstood its bucking for so long that I made it very tired and submissive. To demonstrate this fully and to save the ladies the trouble of rising from the table, I jumped the horse through the open window into the salon, and when the horse was sufficiently calm and I trusted its agility enough, I got it to climb onto the tea-table via my empty chair, and so rode around in front of all the ladies, the horse placing its hooves so daintily that not a cup was cracked.

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Original:

Ich saß eines Nachmittags auf dem Gute des Herrn von ***, mit lauter Damen am Theetisch im Sale. Die Herren waren auf dem Hofe, um ein neues Pferd reiten zu sehen. Bald entstand draußen ein Lerm; ich lief hin, und fand das Pferd so unbändig, daß jeder den Hals zu brechen fürchtete, der sich ihm nur näherte, geschweige der drauf säße. Wie alle verzagten, war ich mit einem Satze dem Pferde auf den Rücken, und nun tummelte ichs so lange, bis ichs ganz müde und geschmeidig kriegte. Um dieß völlig zu zeigen und um die Damen nicht herunter zu bemühen, setzte ich damit durchs offne Fenster in den Saal hinein, und wie es zahm genug war, und ich ihm Geschicklichkeit genug zutraute, ließ ichs an meinem leergelassenen Stuhl auf den Theetisch steigen, und ritt so vor allen Damen herum, wobey das Pferd so zierlich die Füße setzte, daß es auch nicht eine Tasse zerbrach.

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Munchausen (1781) - part 9

Greyhound

The best greyhound I ever had lived to be very old. She was quite small but she was a wonderful runner, and because I used her so much, she gradually wore her legs away so that they ended up a good deal shorter. After that I used her as a dachshund for badger-hunting, and kept her for a long time further.

Hare

The same greyhound bitch once took off by herself and chased a hare that looked very big. My poor animal whimpered because she was carrying pups, but she didn’t drop her pace at all. I followed slowly on horseback. Suddenly I heard a pack of dogs yapping, but so faintly and weakly that I didn’t know what to make of it. When I caught up I discovered that the hare had been pregnant too, and the chase had triggered off the birthing process for her, and for my dog also. Instinct had taught both hunter and hunted, exactly equal numbers of leverets and puppies were born, and when I got there I found I had six hares and six dogs.
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Original:

Nie hatt ich einen besern Windhund, als einen, der sehr alt bey mir ward, und eben nicht groß war. Er lief ganz bewundernswürdig, und zuletzt, weil ich ihn so sehr viel brauchte, lief er sich ordentlich die Beine weg, daß sie um ein gut Theil kürzer wurden. Seit der Zeit gebraucht’ ich ihn, wie Teckel (Dachshund), und hatt’ ihn so noch eine ganze Zeit.

Derselbe als er noch Windhund war, – es war eine Hündinn – lief einst ganz allein hinter einen Hasen, der mir sehr groß vorkam. Mein armes Thier jammerte mich, weil es schwanger war; doch ließ sie nichts im Laufen nach. Ich folgte zu Pferde nur langsam. Plötzlich hör’ ich ein Geklaff, wie von mehrern Hunden, aber so fein und schwach, daß ich nicht weiß, was ich draus machen soll. [98] Beym Näherreiten entdeck ich, daß der Hase auch ein schwangeres Weibchen gewesen ist, und im Laufen gesetzet hat; dasselbe ist meiner Hündin begegnet; es waren gerade gleich viel junge Hasen und junge Hunde geworfen. Der Instinkt lehrte jene laufen, und diese verfolgen; und wie ich herankam, hatt ich sechs Hasen von sechs Hunden gehalten.


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Munchausen (1781) - part 8

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8) Once when I was an officer in the Hussars, I took part in a hot skirmish. Afterwards I rode towards a village and came to a little stream. I was about to ride over it, but my horse wanted a drink and I let him have his way. I was lost in thought for a long time, but when I was ready to ride on I was astonished to see that the stream had disappeared. I heard a noise and looked about to find that the water was now behind me; and I saw at the same time that my horse had been shot in half during the conflict, and that while he was drinking all the water had flowed back out of him. My horse hadn’t noticed his own injury in the heat of battle; I quickly returned to the scene before it got too cold, and soon found the other half. I tore off young willow branches and used them to reattach the two halves; some twigs grew and bound themselves inextricably with the horse, others shot up and intertwined above, and made an arbour, which ever afterwards gave me cover and shade while riding. The horse died long ago.

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Original:

8) Wie ich noch als Husarenoffizier diente, war ich eins Tages in einem hitzigen Treffen. Nach dessen Ende ritt ich nach einem Dorfe zu, und kam an einen kleinen Fluß. Ich wollte durchreiten, allein mein Pferd zeigte Lust zum Trinken, und ich ließ ihm seinen Willen. Nach langer Zeit, binnen welcher ich in Gedanken gewesen war, wollt ich weiter reiten, und sah mit Erstaunen den Fluß vor mir verschwunden. Ich sah auf ein Geräusch mich um, und fand das Wasser itzt hinter mir; und sah zugleich, daß [97] mein Pferd in der Schlacht war mitten von einander geschossen worden, und daß itzt beym Saufen alles Wasser hinten wieder von ihm ausgeloffen war. Mein Pferd hatte seine Wunde in der Hitze selbst nicht gemerkt; ich kehrte nun schnell zurük, um es nicht ganz kalt werden zu lassen, und fand auch bald die andere dazu gehörige Hälfte. Junge Weidenbäume, die ich ausriß, halfen mir beide Theile gut zusammenfügen; einige Zweige davon verwuchsen mit dem Pferde, die andern schossen in die Höhe, und krümten sich von selbst oben zusammen, und machten eine Laube, die mir beym Reiten hernach immer Bedeckung und Schatten gab. Das Pferd ist itzt gestorben.


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Munchausen (1781) - part 7



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7) One day when I was out hunting I’d run completely out of ammunition, when suddenly I came across a magnificent stag, who stood quite calmly in front of me, as if he knew my difficulty. I quickly loaded with powder, sucked the flesh off a lot of cherry stones, which I put in on top, and shot the deer right in the forehead. He recoiled but ran off immediately. A year later I went into the same forest, and met a stag whose brow sported a cherry tree with leaves and beautiful blossoms. I recognised my prey at once; and this time he didn’t get away.

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Original:

Einmal auf der Jagd hatt’ ich mich an Schroot schon ganz verschossen; und da find ich noch einen stattlichen Hirschen, der so still mir gerade gegenüber steht, als wenn er meinen Mangel wüßte. Ich lade geschwinde mit Pulver, und setze eine Menge Kirschkerne, wovon ich schnell das Fleisch absauge, droben auf, und schieße den Hirschen gerade vor die Stirne. Er prellt zurük, aber entkömmt mir bald. Ein Jahr nachher geh’ ich im selben Walde, und da kömmt mir ein Hirsch entgegen, aus dessen Stirne ein Kirschbaum mit Blättern und schöner Blüthe hervorsteht. Ich erkenne sogleich mein Eigenthum; und dießmal entkam er mir nicht mehr.


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Munchausen (1781) - part 6

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6) Another time on the hunt, I saw two wild boar, one following the other very closely; I took a snap shot that flew between them, but to my surprise the leader ran away and the follower stopped. On closer examination I saw that the latter was an old blind sow that had taken the tail of the lead pig (surely her son) in her mouth, and was led about in that way. I had shot off the tail, and the sow still had a bit of it clamped in her jaws. Since her guide was no longer pulling, she stood still. I had nothing with me to butcher her, so I took what was left of the tail and drew her leisurely into my farmyard, she following patiently as before.

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Original:

6) Auch begegnet’ ich einst zwey wilden Schweinen auf der Jagd, die dicht hinter einander gingen; ich schoß mit Fleiß mitten zwischen ihnen durch: und siehe! das vorderste lief fort, und das hinterste blieb stehen. Bey genauerer Untersuchung war dieß eine alte blinde Sau, die den Schwanz des vorangehenden Schweines, ohne Zweifel ihres Jungen, in den Mund genommen, und sich so hatte leiten lassen; ich hatte den Schwanz abgeschossen, und die [96] Sau hatte noch ein Endchen davon im Munde. Itzt da ihr Führer sie nicht mehr fortzog, stand sie still. Ich hatte gar nichts bey mir, um sie niederzumachen, nahm also das Restchen Schwanz, und zog sie so gemächlich in meinen Hof, wohin sie mir auch geduldig folgte.


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Munchausen (1781) - Part 5

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5) One day when I was out hunting in Russia I came upon a beautiful black fox, whose pelt I wanted to have as undamaged as possible. He was standing by a tree, so instead of a musket ball I loaded a sharp nail and fired such a lucky shot that I nailed his tail to that tree. Now as he stood pinned, I ran up to him and made a cross cut on his forehead with my hunting knife, then I took my whip and thrashed him right through the opening on his head and out of his skin.

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Original:

5) Auf der Jagd in Rußland stieß ich einst auf einen schönen schwarzen Fuchs, dessen Balg ich gern so unbeschädigt als möglich gehabt hätte. Er stand nah an einem Baum; ich lud also statt der Kugel einen spitzigen Nagel, und schoß, und traf so glüklich, daß ich seinen Schwanz an diesen Baum nagelte. Nun, wie er fest saß, lief ich auf ihn zu, machte mit meinem Jagdmesser ihm einen Kreuzschnitt auf der Stirne, nahm dann meine Peitsche zur Hand, und prügelte ihn so durch die Oefnung am Kopf zum Fell hinnaus.


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Munchausen (1781) - Part 4

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4) One day I looked out of my window and saw a large team of wild ducks on the lake. My flintlock was standing in the corner, so I quickly seized it and ran out, but in my hurry I banged my face on the doorpost so hard that I could see sparks dancing before my eyes. However that didn’t put me off and I came outside. Only when I raised my gun did I notice that the same blow had knocked the flint off the hammer. What could I do? I remembered what I’d seen when I bumped into the door-post; I readied the gun, aimed, opened the pan, and gave myself a smack in the eye with my fist. Sparks flew out again, the charge ignited, and I had ten ducks.

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Original:

4) Aus meinem Zimmer sah ich einmal eine Menge wilder Enten auf dem See. Schnell grif ich zu meiner in der Ecke stehenden Flinte, lief eilig heraus, aber so unvorsichtig, daß ich das Gesicht an den [95] Thürpfosten dermaßen stieß, daß mir das Feuer aus den Augen flog. Doch das hielt mich nicht ab, ich kam heraus; allein beym Aufspannen merkte ich, daß durch diesen Stoß auch der Stein vom Hahn abgefallen war. Was war zu thun? Ich erinnerte mich, was beym Stoße an den Thürpfosten geschehen war; legte an, zielte, öfnete die Pfanne, und schlug nun mit gebalter Faust ins Auge. Es flog abermal Feuer heraus, der Schuß gelang, und ich hatte 10 Enten.


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Munchausen (1781) - Part 3

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3) Nearing Petersburg I took to a sleigh. In the Finnish woods I saw a terrifying wolf that looked very hungry. He was loping behind me and caught up easily, and I soon saw that I could not get away from him. So I lay down flat in the sleigh, and let my horse run straight on. Things turned out as I had guessed and hoped: the monster leaped over my head and onto my horse, and began to devour it from behind. I sat up in my sleigh and watched this gruesome sight. Finally, when the wolf had eaten his way into the horse’s chest and was between the traces, I struck the wolf with the whip’s handle as hard as I could. He sprang forward, startled; what was left of the horse fell away, the wolf was in the harness and could not get back out. I whipped even harder, he raced ahead madly, and by this means I made my entry into Petersburg.

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Original:

3) Nahe vor Petersburg nahm ich einen Schlitten. In den finnischen Wäldern sah ich einen entsetzlichen Wolf, der mir sehr hungrig schien, hinter mir hertraben; er holte mich leicht ein, und ich sah bald, daß ich ihm nicht entfliehn konnte. Ich legte mich also platt im Schlitten nieder, und ließ mein Pferd gerade aus laufen; es geschah, was ich vermuthet und gehoft hatte: Das Unthier setzte über meinen Kopf weg, gerade auf mein Pferd zu, und fing an, es von hinten aufzufressen. Ich richtete mich in meinem Schlitten auf, und sah diesem Gräuel zu. Endlich, wie der Wolf schon an der Brust des Pferdes war, und sich auf die Art in das Seilenzeug hineingefressen hatte, schlug ich mit aller Kraft die ich hatte, auf den Wolf mit der umgekehrten Peitsche zu; er erschrak, und sprang vorwärts; der Rest des Pferdes stürzte hin, der Wolf war in den Seilen, und konnte nicht zurük, ich peitschte immer stärker, er lief wie rasend fort, und so fuhr ich in Petersburg hinein.


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Munchausen (1781) - Part 2

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More of my translation of the Baron's early adventures:
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2. I rode on. Night was falling, and there was still no sign of a village. Everything was covered in snow and I didn’t know the way. So I dismounted, found a small pointed stick to which I tied my horse, took my pistol, lay down not far from my horse, and fell so deeply asleep that I didn’t wake up until the next morning. To my great astonishment I found myself in the middle of a village - in the churchyard, to be precise – but my horse was nowhere to be seen. At last I could hear it whinnying as though it was in the sky; I looked up and saw it above me, hanging from the steeple by its reins. Now I could explain everything: yesterday the village had been buried in snow, which had melted overnight; I had been asleep while the snow dropped away and without knowing it had been gently lowered down; and what I had taken for a pointed stick to which I had tied my horse, had been the very tip of the spire poking out of the snow. Then I took my pistol and shot through the halter, so that the horse fell to the ground; and rode on.

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Original:

2) Ich ritt weiter, es ward Nacht, und noch war kein Dorf zu sehen. Alles war voll geschneyt, und ich kannte den Weg nicht. Ich stieg also ab, fand einen kleinen spitzigen Pfahl, woran ich mein Pferd band, nahm meine Pistolen zu mir, legte mich nicht weit von meinem Pferde hin, und schlief ein, so fest daß ich erst des andern Morgens wieder erwachte. Mit großem Erstaunen fand ich mich itzt mitten in einem Dorfe, und zwar auf dem Kirchhofe; mein Pferd aber war nicht zu sehn. Endlich hör ich es wie in der Luft wiehern; ich blicke herauf, und sehe es oben am Kirchthurm angebunden hängen. Nun konnt’ ich mir alles erklären: Gestern war das Dorf zugeschneyt gewesen, die Nacht war alles aufgethaut; ich war im Schlaf, wie der Schnee weggesunken, immer unmerklich mit herabgekommen; und was ich für einen spitzen Pfahl gehalten, war die nur ein wenig aus dem Schnee hervorstehende Kirchthurmsspitze gewesen, woran ich also mein Pferd gebunden hatte. – Ich nahm itzt meine Pistole, schoß den Halfter des Pferdes entzwey, wodurch es herunter auf die Erde fiel; und ritt weiter.


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Baron Munchausen - the original (a translation) - Part 1

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The earliest printed edition of Munchausen (originally Münchhausen) stories I have found so far is from a magazine of humorous prose published in Berlin between 1774 and 1783. The Baron (or Freiherr) appears largely in 1781, with a couple of extra tales two years later (Vade Mecum für lustige Leute, Theil 8 (1781), Nr. 175, S. 92-101 und Theil 9 (1783), Nr. 106, S. 76–79). The first book dedicated solely to the Baron's adventures appeared in London in 1785.

Here is my translation of the Berlin edition's introduction and the first episode:
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There lives in Hessen a very witty man, Herr von Münchhausen, who has issued a certain type of curious stories that bear his name, though not all may have been invented by him. They are tales full of the most unbelievable exaggerations, but at the same time they are so comical and humorous that we have to laugh heartily without bothering about their plausibility. In their way, they are truly Hogarthian caricatures. Our readers, who may already have heard several of them, will find some of the finest here. The comic effect is greatly increased if the narrator relates everything as if he has seen or done it himself. So:

1. I once had to make a long and difficult journey in a hard winter.  I was on horseback and not dressed very warmly, either. On the way I saw a poor sick man who was almost completely naked; my heart bled for him and despite feeling so cold myself I threw him my coat. And a voice from Heaven could be heard, saying, “Münchhausen, Münchhausen, that shall not go unrewarded, or may the Devil take me!”

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Original:

Es lebt ein sehr witziger Kopf, Herr von M–h–s–n im H–schen, der eine eigne Art sinnreicher Geschichten aufgebracht hat, die nach seinem Namen benannt wird, obgleich nicht alle einzelne Geschichten von ihm seyn mögen. Es sind Erzählungen voll der unglaublichsten Uebertreibungen, dabey aber so komisch und launigt, daß man, ohne sich um die Möglichkeit zu bekümmern, von ganzem Herzen lachen muß; in ihrer Art wahre hogarthsche Karrikaturen. Unsere Leser, denen aber vielleicht schon manche davon durch mündliche Ueberlieferung bekannt sind, sollen hier einige der vorzüglichsten davon finden. – Das Komische wird sehr erhöht, wenn der Erzähler alles als selbst gesehn oder selbst gethan vorträgt. Also:

1) Ich hatte einst eine weite und unbequeme Reise im strengen Winter zu machen. Ich war zu Pferde, und eben nicht sehr warm gekleidet. Am Wege sah ich einen armen Kranken, der fast ganz nackt war; mein Herz blutete mir, ich warf ihm, trotz meines eignen Frostes, meinen Mantel hin. Und eine Stimme ließ sich vom Himmel hören: „M–n, M–n, daß soll dir, hol mich der Teufel, nicht unbelohnet bleiben!“


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Why Neanderthals Died Out

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German Christmas Macaroni

(pic source)

When the snow falls wunderbar
And the children happy are,
When the Glatteis on the street
And we all a Glühwein need,
Then you know, es ist soweit:
She is here, the Weihnachtszeit.

Every Parkhaus is besetzt,
Weil die people fahren jetzt
All to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
Kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.
Shopping hirnverbrannte things
And the Christmasglocke rings.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas!
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht!
Merry Christmas allerseits...

Mother in the kitchen bakes
Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks.
Daddy in the Nebenraum
Schmücks a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum.
He is hanging auf the balls,
Then he from the Leiter falls...

Finally the Kinderlein
To the Zimmer kommen rein,
And es sings the family
Schauerlich: "Oh, Christmastree"
And the jeder in the house
Is packing die Geschenke aus.

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas!
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht!
Merry Christmas allerseits...

Mama finds under the Tanne
Eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
Everybody does frohlocken.
President speaks in TV,
All around is Harmonie.

Bis mother in the kitchen runs:
Im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.

And so comes die Feuerwehr
With Tatü, tata daher,
And they bring a long, long Sclauch
And a long, long Leiter auch.
And they schrei - "Wasser marsch!"
Christmas is - now im - Arsch...

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas!
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht!
Merry Christmas allerseits!

(Author unknown)


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Conservative crackdown on MPs "will end right to represent people"

PM David Cameron plans to end the disruption caused by Her Majesty's Government in many Middle Eastern countries, a spokesman said today.

"We acknowledge that is inconsistent to impose a rule on unions requiring 40% of members to approve a strike action, without imposing the same on candidates for Parliamentary seats, and on political parties generally.

"We are aware that no party garnered 40% or more of votes cast in the 2010 General Election, and of course the results were much lower in relation to the number of registered electors, 35% of whom did not vote at all.

"The picture is scarcely better within individual constituencies. True, 539 MPs got 40%-plus of votes cast in 2010**, but again to be consistent we must admit that only 36 of them were returned by 40% or more of those who could have voted.*

"Unfortunately, this means that over 600 MPs will have to lose their places.  Having gone that far, really we do not see the need for General Elections at all and in future the UK will be governed by a very small self-appointed rump of  former 'forty percenters' meeting in the upper room of the Westminster Arms. Plus Angela Merkel, obviously.

"The now-redundant Palace of Westminster next door is up for sale and we have already had several expressions of interest from international property developers.

"What's important is to recognise the good news in all this, which is that the Government will no longer feel the need to gain popularity by vainglorious military adventures on the Arab Street. (The spokesman said that for this and other reasons, the new, permanent mini-government would not be styled "the Drones Club".) Cam is already in the process of selling his camo jacket on eBay."

"Best of all from our point of view, we've ditched the Scots*, all bar one and he's like Macavity." (The MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath is the Right Honourable Gordon Brown.)

(pic source)

The Not-The-Drones Club:

Constituency Name	Region	Party
Daventry	East Midlands	CON
Northamptonshire South	East Midlands	CON
Brentwood & Ongar	Eastern	CON
Hitchin & Harpenden	Eastern	CON
Maldon	Eastern	CON
Norfolk North	Eastern	LIB DEM
Beckenham	London	CON
Orpington	London	CON
Ruislip, Northwood & Pinner	London	CON
Twickenham	London	LIB DEM
Westmorland & Lonsdale	North West	LIB DEM
Kirkcaldy & Cowdenbeath	Scotland	LAB
Arundel & South Downs	South East	CON
Beaconsfield	South East	CON
Chesham & Amersham	South East	CON
Esher & Walton	South East	CON
Hampshire East	South East	CON
Hampshire North East	South East	CON
Hampshire North West	South East	CON
Henley	South East	CON
Maidenhead	South East	CON
Meon Valley	South East	CON
Mole Valley	South East	CON
New Forest West	South East	CON
Newbury	South East	CON
Sevenoaks	South East	CON
Surrey East	South East	CON
Surrey Heath	South East	CON
Surrey South West	South East	CON
Tonbridge & Malling	South East	CON
Wealden	South East	CON
Windsor	South East	CON
Witney	South East	CON
Christchurch	South West	CON
Kenilworth & Southam	West Midlands	CON
Richmond (Yorks)	Yorkshire and the Humber	CON

_____________________________________

* ... not to mention Northern Ireland, the Welsh and Nick Clegg (Sheffield Hallam). And Ed Miliband (Doncaster North), together with the entire PLP except for Macavity.

** but only 217 of them got 50% or more.


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Say goodbye to spy drone misery!

(pic source)

Every season is drone season. They buzz about your garden, come through the door and follow you upstairs, bumble up and down your window panes, fall in your Weetos... enough!

Now you can do something about it:

Some species are protected by law. See the NSA's Facebook page for information and contact details.


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