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Saturday, January 10, 2015

Conservative crackdown on MPs "will end right to represent people"

PM David Cameron plans to end the disruption caused by Her Majesty's Government in many Middle Eastern countries, a spokesman said today.

"We acknowledge that is inconsistent to impose a rule on unions requiring 40% of members to approve a strike action, without imposing the same on candidates for Parliamentary seats, and on political parties generally.

"We are aware that no party garnered 40% or more of votes cast in the 2010 General Election, and of course the results were much lower in relation to the number of registered electors, 35% of whom did not vote at all.

"The picture is scarcely better within individual constituencies. True, 539 MPs got 40%-plus of votes cast in 2010**, but again to be consistent we must admit that only 36 of them were returned by 40% or more of those who could have voted.*

"Unfortunately, this means that over 600 MPs will have to lose their places.  Having gone that far, really we do not see the need for General Elections at all and in future the UK will be governed by a very small self-appointed rump of  former 'forty percenters' meeting in the upper room of the Westminster Arms. Plus Angela Merkel, obviously.

"The now-redundant Palace of Westminster next door is up for sale and we have already had several expressions of interest from international property developers.

"What's important is to recognise the good news in all this, which is that the Government will no longer feel the need to gain popularity by vainglorious military adventures on the Arab Street. (The spokesman said that for this and other reasons, the new, permanent mini-government would not be styled "the Drones Club".) Cam is already in the process of selling his camo jacket on eBay."

"Best of all from our point of view, we've ditched the Scots*, all bar one and he's like Macavity." (The MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath is the Right Honourable Gordon Brown.)

(pic source)

The Not-The-Drones Club:

Constituency Name Region Party
Daventry East Midlands CON
Northamptonshire South  East Midlands CON
Brentwood & Ongar Eastern CON
Hitchin & Harpenden Eastern CON
Maldon Eastern CON
Norfolk North Eastern LIB DEM
Beckenham London CON
Orpington London CON
Ruislip, Northwood & Pinner London CON
Twickenham London LIB DEM
Westmorland & Lonsdale North West LIB DEM
Kirkcaldy & Cowdenbeath Scotland LAB
Arundel & South Downs South East CON
Beaconsfield South East CON
Chesham & Amersham South East CON
Esher & Walton South East CON
Hampshire East South East CON
Hampshire North East South East CON
Hampshire North West South East CON
Henley South East CON
Maidenhead South East CON
Meon Valley South East CON
Mole Valley South East CON
New Forest West South East CON
Newbury South East CON
Sevenoaks South East CON
Surrey East South East CON
Surrey Heath South East CON
Surrey South West South East CON
Tonbridge & Malling South East CON
Wealden South East CON
Windsor South East CON
Witney South East CON
Christchurch South West CON
Kenilworth & Southam West Midlands CON
Richmond (Yorks) Yorkshire and the Humber CON


* ... not to mention Northern Ireland, the Welsh and Nick Clegg (Sheffield Hallam). And Ed Miliband (Doncaster North), together with the entire PLP except for Macavity.

** but only 217 of them got 50% or more.


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1 comment:

James Higham said...

Well done, more detailed than mine.