Hillary Clinton's secret career

Former U.S. First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has a little-known second string to her bow: novel-writing. Adding a scarf and dropping an "l" in her forename she becomes her alter ego, controversial author Hilary Mantel.

So what is her real opinion of Margaret Thatcher? I think we should be told.


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MasterBoozer

Masterchef: a programme about cooking, timed to go out after you've eaten, for a nation that eats too much already.
But why do this just for food?

How about MasterBoozer, a late-night post-takeaway programme for the inebriated?

"I'm really disappointed, Roy. You've got a good barley wine, but you need to take it to a new level at this stage of the competition. You could whang a quadruple scotch in... or add some warm beer and gin fer a classic Dog's Nose... like the one 've gorrere..." CRASH!

"Leave'm, 'll be alrigh. Ye', Malibu'n'Absolut's a good 'ltern... ative...mm? Wha'?"...

Crowdfunding for this project via Indigogo and Kickstarter... eventually... jus' pour myself a refill...


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DIY Clickbait scaffolding

Bloggers! Not enough visitors? Tired of casting pearls of bitter wisdom before apathetic swine? Facebook can help! Here is a starterpack of teaser headlines garnered from today's FB offerings:

X Tells Y That Z. Y's Reply Is Priceless.

The Best X Ever. This Is Gold.

If You Think X, You Need To Read This.

What NOT To Say To X [in a Y situation). This Z Absolutely Nails It.

This X has the most amazing Y we've ever seen.

What Kind Of X Are You? [Metamorphic self-assessment questionnaire]

- Go get 'em, Floyd!


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ISIS vs CHERWELL

ISIS now faces formidable resistance from a new force called CHERWELL. The latter's acronym stands for Corporate Hellcats' Endless Robot Wars Extending from Libya to Lebanon.

A General Atomics Predator deploying an AGM-114 Hellfire Missile

Unfortunately, since the remote operators are unworldly youngsters recruited from GTA5 and Minecraft fanboards, the prospects for peace in Oxford have dimmed. After Mesopotamia, Jericho? Then the Bodleian?


(Click to enlarge)

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Sheer joy: Bruce Forsyth on HIGNFY, 2003

HIGNFY S25E08 - Bruce Forsyth, Marcus... by bobalmighty

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Ur-language: "Tax"

A recent archaeological discovery in the Caucasus is being hailed as the most important find for over a century.

Deep in a cave complex whose location is still secret lies extensive evidence of life before the last Ice Age. Cave Six, dubbed "Rosetta Max" by the researchers based there, is festooned with images and writing spanning tens of millennia, yielding radical new insights almost weekly into human prehistory, social development and the evolution of language. Yet last week's revelation may be the most dramatic of all: Palaeolithic political graffiti.

Cave 11c - a tiny and obscure offshoot of one of the most remote spaces in the system - appears to have been visited only once before in all of history. Examination of the dust and debris has uncovered the ashes of a fire and a single human coprolite. The latter is provisionally dated to 25,000 BCE, but a more precise figure will be ascertained with the use of advanced scientific instruments. However, the season of the ancient visit (autumn) is already established, because of the type of pollen grains found in the stool. And although hunting was a key element in the society of that time, there is no trace of animal matter here.

Low down on the wall, just where the fire might have shed a fitful light, is a crudely-executed image scratched into the rock and enhanced with ashes. This shows a number of stick-figures accompanied by goats, proceeding between lines of other, larger figures armed with short clubs and spears, towards a seated group wearing some ceremonial head-dress. The artist has depicted the latter with large abdomens and above them is a bison, unmistakably defecating.

There are glyphs beneath the sketch, most of which are currently untranslatable as they are not found again elsewhere in the cave-chain; except for one, phonetically rendered as "taks." Wild, but very tempting speculation has it that there is a connexion between what appears to be the exaction of payment in the form of herd-animals, the artist's meatless coprolite, the word "taks", the apparently disrespectful drawing and the use of rare language.

The work continues.


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Ur-language: "Politics"

One of the striking aspects of archaeolingustics is how certain words have survived millennia almost unchanged - one thinks for example of "atman" (breath, to blow) in Cave Six, the ancestor of the German "atmen" (to breathe) and "atman" (vital breath, the soul) in Sanskrit. The glyph for "atman" is found close to the depiction of a hunter using a blowpipe to bring down some as yet unidentified arboreal creature; given the age of the painting, this has sparked a lively debate on the tools that early Man may have developed before the Rift Valley diaspora.

Similarly, there are several images of what appear to be mouflons in a non-hunting context, suggesting that they may have been domesticated much earlier than the c. 8,000 BCE date previously theorised, perhaps owing to the local geography and micro-climate at the time and the protection offered by the size and depth of the cave complex.

Long duration of settlement and relative prosperity and security may also have fostered more complex forms of social organization not re-created until after the last Ice Age; this may explain the apparently formally-arranged groups of humans in some of the images. One of these shows such a group gathered around a flock or herd, possibly for the purposes of division, which may have been unequal, seeing the crown or helmet on one of the figures. Alternatively, it may have been to do with some form of treatment, since the co-habitation of man and animal promotes diseases and pests.

It is possible, therefore, that one of the compound words found beside this image may either have a purely literal meaning or, as Professor Strumpfhosen has controversially suggested, be the world's first example of metaphor: "poli" (many) and "tics" (bloodsucking insects). As the Professor remarks, some things never change.


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Ur-language: "Managers"

Researchers at the E207 Caucasian cave complex, the world's oldest continuously-inhabited site, believe they have deciphered another part of the ancient wall-scratchings in Cave Six.

It has already been established that the Ur-word ancestor of the Chinese word "ma" (no) and Italian/French "ma/mais" (but) is "man", a generalised negative. More difficult, but extremely exciting, are the pictograms that appear to represent abstracts, including the one that is tentatively rendered as "thought" or "reflection".

It is now theorised that the Ur-etymology of "manager" is "man" (not) + "ager" (much idea).


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Carswell on Tomorrow's News

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[Insert name of hottie] for PM!

Now that Jan Moir has established the sexual basis for choosing political leaders and policies, we have to turn from "turnip" Salmond to the question of who will lead our country from 2015. Even though they're still a minority in the Commons, surely we're ready for a woman again.

Clearly the pressure to increase the squad of Cameron Cuties has anticipated this important development in public attitudes, but selection solely on gender lines is inadequate. Looks are what counts:

Homage and apologies to The Sun newspaper

Of course, not everyone can become a Prime Minister, but the runners-up could be given seats in the House of Phwoards as consolation prizes (unless Peter Hitchens succeeds in getting it abolished). How about Tracey Ermine for Lord Speaker?

Image: Saatchi Gallery

I'm looking forward to next year's General Erection.


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Has a celebrity moved into YOUR area?

Not the Mail on Sunday

Our FREE detector will tell you how many kilometres to the nearest entertainer. Then simply log on to celebwitchhunt.co.uk, enter the details and we'll tell the police, tip-off the media for the raid and write letters of complaint about the subsequent coverage to the BBC's governors.


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Wimbledon decimal tennis shock!

The game of tennis will be substantially revised as part of a general scheme to harmonise sporting rules, EU Commission President-Elect Jean-Claude Juncker announced today.

"The scoring system in tennis is long overdue for reform," said Mr Juncker. "What is this 15 and 30 points, this first-to-6 games in a set, this ridiculous 3 sets to win a women's match? 3 is a number for witchcraft and superstition. In a rational, scientific world there is no place for measures that are divisible by this barbarian number."

Uncorking his third bottle, he continued, "5 sets for men is better, but still only half as good as 10. And if the winner of each set has to achieve 10 games of 10 points each, then the theoretical minimum points playable are 1,000 instead of, er, 120 - stupid figure," he hiccuped, "or 72 for the ladies of course, blessem."

"And consider the enormous increase in productivity," said the President-Elect in a louder voice, thumping the table so that the remaining seven unopened bottles rattled in their ranks. "The spectators will have far greater value for their money, and the emergency treatment of many exhausted players and onlookers will provide more work for the medical services of which we Europeans - including you British - are so justly proud. This is why the Sports Directive will include provisions for building many new hospitals, employing thousands in long-term projects."

"This is only the start," said Mr Juncker as he forged on with his personal rehydration program. "Why twelve apostles? We could easily dispense with two.

"And if Pluto is reinstated and we add Ceres, there would be 10 planets, instead of this messy 8 and bits. Remind me to tell you about the European Vishnu Plan - destruction of the asteroid belt, comets, the Oort Cloud, sorry I shouldn't be revealing that yet, off the record, urp, I'll have you all on the European Arrest Warrant if you publish that, what have I done with the corkscrew...?"


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The Three Bears, Italian-American style

The manual-typewritten text below was given to a Brooklyn-raised member of the family nearly fifty years ago. It's based on a 1960/61 recording by Lou Monte (or vice versa?), now available on YouTube, as you see - but you may enjoy the challenge of deciphering it yourself before listening!



Di Tri Berrese

Uana appona taim uas tri berres: mamma berre, papa berre, e beibi berre. Live inne contri nire foresta. NAISE AUS. No mugheggia. Uanna dei papa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromma. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse.

Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berres, olle sannbrone enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine due to Goldilocchese? Tro erre aure inne strit? Colle pulissemenne?

Fatta Cienze!

Dei uas Italien Berres, enne dei slippe ona florre.

Goldilocchese stei derre tri uicase; itte aute ausenomma en guista bicose dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse sci sei "go to elle," enne runne omme craine tu erre mamma, tellenerre uat sanimabicese di tri berres uer.

Uatisuse? Uara iu goine du? --- Go compleine sittiolle ?


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Fly Greenways, the carbon-neutral airline!

Worried about global warming but would still like to fly abroad on business and for holidays?

Hop over the pond with our revolutionary new wind-turbine-driven miniliner! Tilt your seat back and sip your complimentary drink with a clear conscience as our naturally-powered luxury craft wafts you to your destination!

Note: travel dependent on ambient wind speeds of 120 knots-plus; journeys may be interrupted by lulls. No refunds.

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Cameron warns EU to respect UK independence

"We are particularly concerned by the situation in England - every country should respect the territorial integrity and sovereignty of the United Kingdom."

- Prime Minister David Cameron, speaking at a press conference with Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel on Wednesday 26th February 2014 (see 3 p.m. note):

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/ukraine/10664833/Ukraine-crisis-Ukraine-searches-for-missing-billions.html

Corrections and clarifications: for "England" and "United Kingdom" substitute "Crimea" and "Ukraine". Apologies for any misunderstanding caused.

However, we wish to point out that Mr Cameron has pledged a referendum on EU membership in 2017 if the Conservatives win a majority in the next General Election, or "When the moon is in the seventh house/ And Jupiter aligns with Mars" or "the twelfth of never", whichever comes last.

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How we laughed

 

 - I've just opened another washing up liquid, I don't know if you want to get a spare.

- I'll wait and get one of those big Fairies for 99p from Lidl.

- Big fairies? Are they like the dog-poo fairy, clumping around picking dogshit off the pavement and bemoaning their genes? Not pretty and petite so they can't be used in Disney? "These f-ing wings are useless, it's all about power to weight ratio."

- "I'm big boned. I know I could lose a bit off me front but me arse is perfect."

And off she went, laughing and saying "You've brought on me old trouble again."

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Blair "has not volunteered for Mars mission"

http://olivierpere.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/mission-to-mars.jpg

 Our sources say that Mr ACL Blair has not yet put his name forward as a candidate for the 2023 expedition to establish a colony on Mars, though it could have certain advantages for him.

He would be safe there from attempts by members of the public to perform a citizen's arrest. Nor could he be called back to explain what he meant when advising Mrs Rebekah Brooks to establish a "Hutton style" enquiry that would "clear" her.

However, some say that Mrs Blair might be tempted to nominate him for the one-way trip, should further embarrassing evidence come to light suggesting a romantic link between him and the wife of Rupert Murdoch.

Although Mr Blair would then be aged 70, Mars One sets no upper age restriction. More important are qualities of intellect and character. We are confident that he would qualify in most, if not all respects - "The astronauts must be intelligent, creative, psychologically stable and physically healthy" - and the jaunt would certainly satisfy his well-known delight in travel.

The full astronaut specification can be seen here: http://www.mars-one.com/faq/selection-and-preparation-of-the-astronauts/what-are-the-qualifications-to-apply.

Readers may care to suggest others who might be similarly suited to go, or whom it would suit us to send.

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Cameron's "Cauld Fecht" speech

From The Encyclopedia Europeana (2083 edition):

When the Prime Minister returned to the Velodrome in January 2020, the audience had been expecting a speech oriented towards the coming General Election, but Cameron had a surprise for them.

After graceful compliments to his hosts and the assembled dignitaries, he turned unexpectedly to consider developments in Scotland, now fully independent as a result of the Scottish Nationalists' resounding referendum victory five years earlier. In an electrifying oration, he warned of the centralisation of power north of the Border:

From Wallsend in the North Sea to Bowness in the Irish, a tartan curtain has descended across the British mainland. Behind that line lie all the ancient dukedoms of Scotland. Lennoxlove, Inveraray, Drumlanrig, Blair, Auchmar, Floors, Mertoun and Gordon, all these famous seats and the populations around them lie in what I must call the lairdish sphere, and all are subject in one form or another, not only to lairdish influence but to a very high and, in some cases, increasing measure of control from Holyrood.

The address has since become universally known as the "Cauld Fecht" speech.

Opinion is divided as to its long-term merits. One the one hand, it served to alert the world to the dangers in many countries of intensifying nationalism, insularity and political repression and corruption; on the other, by isolating the Scottish leadership, it can be said to have accelerated Scotland's descent into full-blown tyranny.

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Stonerz

(Click to expand your consciousness)

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Introducing "Split Endz", the cartoon with broader appeal!

(Click to enlarge)

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