Broad Oak: your emotional support animal

Sunday, February 01, 2009

British jobs for foreign workers

Wanted:

738 foreign (EEC domiciled) labourers, for casual work in comfortable and extremely well-appointed factory premises. Existing postholders need not apply.

Why has this contract become available?

We are seeking workers who will perform their duties solely for the official remuneration offered, without the payment of additional incentives from third parties, such as "consultancy fees" etc. The management feels that it is important to make a fresh start in order to establish a new working culture, without contamination from previous elements.

Duties

Reading and revising proposed laws. A good command of English is essential; it is therefore expected that applicants will have been educated abroad.

Legal revisions must be conducted solely and entirely on the merits of each case, for the benefit of the nation as a whole, without fear or favour.

Days worked per year / holidays

This varies, but in 2007-2008 the number of days the factory was open was 148.

Hours of work

From the following start times until 10 - 11 p.m., but sometimes later and occasionally throughout the night:

Mondays and Tuesdays from 2.30pm
Wednesdays from 3pm
Thursdays from 11am
some Fridays (10 in 2008 - 2009); on these days, from 10am

On average, 6 hours 46 minutes per session (in 2007-2008).

Thus, hours worked per year = c. 1,002, equivalent to less than 21 weeks at the EU maximum of 48 hours/week.

BUT adjusted for average attendance figures (see below), actual time worked per worker in 2007-2008 was the equivalent of 11 weeks 2 days per year.

Sick leave
N/A. But attendance is voluntary, and average attendance in the last 3 years was c. 54%.
Minimum attendance by the workforce as a whole is 3 workers per shift (30 on days when the product is due to roll off the assembly line).

Job security

Extremely good. Under current terms, workers cannot relinquish their position once appointed, even if they wish to; but they may take indefinite leave of absence without notice or permission. One current worker has stayed away from the workplace since 2001.

Pay

£335.50 per shift, plus other expenses.

Outside employment when not in attendance at the factory is permitted, provided that it has no bearing or influence whatever on the worker's primary duties at Lawmaking plc.

Important note

Applicants must be prepared to endure some initial unpopularity from protectionist malcontents (many apparently disguised as Santa Claus), but may be assured of the full protection of the law.

2 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Nice one, Sackerson!

Sackerson said...

Thank you, Welshcakes, one tries.