Turkeys Reunited

Goldman Sachs are on the brink of a massive new consultancy contract, it is rumoured. An unnamed source within the organisation hints that ITV may be asked to take over Lloyds Bank and Northern Rock.

"ITV's £105 million operating loss is peanuts," said the trader. "We at GS paid out £1 billion more in bonuses than we got in bailout money last year. The guys at ITV don't think big enough. If they don't wise up fast, they could be in danger of making a profit."

This alleged development lends credence to the long-standing speculation that the American and British governments are secretly planning the creation of a "Super-Turkey", merging all remaining manufacturing, banking and finance into a giant loss-making enterprise that will employ increasing numbers of the population until everybody starves.

Do buy, Dubai

P.S. Did you think I was joking about Dubai as a world leading financial centre? Where the footballers lead...

It was said years ago that 90% of £20 notes in London bore traces of cocaine - because footballers have 90% of the notes. Sadly for some footballers and Old Etonians, possession of cocaine in the UAE is punishable by death. Nevertheless, lovely weather and no crowded, litter-strewn South East England commuter trains.

Could you stand Paradise? Or are you hooked on that museum of past industrial glories, the UK?