Saturday, February 09, 2013

Sweeney Todd: an apology

Following investigation by the FSA, Fleet Street hairstylist Sweeney Todd has been forced to apologise for the use of horsemeat in his partner's popular pies. "We have been experiencing problems with our usual supplier," explained Mr Todd, 53, "so we have had to use protein filler from processors in Eastern Europe.

"Since our orphan boy tout fell ill, business in the barber's shop has been very slow, what with the credit crunch and the fact that thanks to our catering arm, we have no regular hairdressing customers.

"We have now returned to using 100% human flesh in our products. We can reassure consumers that the presence of animal tranquillisers in the pies has been traced to their recreational use by our late clientele. The Metropolitan Police have confirmed that they will not prosecute anyone for pie-related secondary intoxication."

Related news: the Health Secretary Mr Jeremy Hunt has announced that elderly people requiring long-term care will be given the choice of paying £75,000 towards nursing home fees, or a free visit to Mr Todd's salon.

Mr Hunt has asked us to point out that despite the name, there is no connection between his educational firm Hotcourses and the hot savoury dishes manufactured by Mr Todd and Mrs Lovett.

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