Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Revolutionary government scheme for schools

Following the DfEE's comprehensive review of education for 5 - 16 year olds, Michael Gove today announced a root and branch reform of the school system.

"We accept that Local Authorities will have a role to play for some years yet," said the Education Secretary, "but we must make some major changes now."

Inspired by the closing celebration of the 2012 Olympics, the plan is that all schools will fall into one of the following five "Spice Academy" categories:

1. Posh School

These will be well-established private "heritage" foundations, aimed primarily at restocking the governing and senior administrative and judicial classes, the BBC, Courtauld Institute traitors etc.

2. Sporty School

Private schools focusing on the production of "good eggs": clubbable fellows who will be reliable Number Twos in hierarchical organisations, or hard-working members of lesser professions such as mid-level accountancy and land valuation.

3. Scary School

Quirky, idiosyncratic academies for creatives and misfits, combining fee-paying with scholarships. Additional funding available under the new Special Needs provisions.

4. Baby School

Publicly-funded primaries for those who want a school within easy pram-push of home. Teachers will be selected for their physical and mental robustness, and given rudimentary martial arts training. Foreign nationals preferred, for low-salary reasons and also because there is less likelihood of them knowing what the children are calling them.

5. Ginger School

"Hot work" comprehensives for graduates of Category 4. All pupils will have individual access to their own PC and a graduated suite of online war simulations as rewards for producing any work, or for staying in the classroom. The cost of higher payscales for secondary teachers will be offset by the reduced chance of surviving to pension age.

"There should be something in that lot for everybody," said Mr Gove.


Mark Wadsworth said...

Interestingly, and backing up your crude stereotyping, I very much went to a Cat 2 Sporty School.

In my defence, I had a free place, being pretty bright at the age of 10 and flatly refused to take part in sport-related activities above the bare minimum of hanging about at the back trying to keep warm.

James Higham said...

I used to hang around the back for a different reason.

Sackerson said...

A friend and myself became good at reading the play on the rugby field, so that we would walk towards a place where the ball wasn't going to come as we discussed his plans for a school Monarchist Society. There's good at games, and good at games.